Mr. Crankypants

To say that I’ve been busy the last few weeks is a massive understatement. There are certain things that I do daily and weekly that help me cope and process the outside world that I have not been able to do for various reasons. Work has been crazyballs. Home has been crazyballs. It’s hard to sequester yourself when there is so much to do every day. I get those looks that say without words “You’re really going downstairs?” that convey a disgust in the fact that I have things I need to do so that I can handle being around people on a daily basis. When I don’t get that time, I then am just irritable towards everyone and then get the recursive “Why are you acting like this?” looks. It gets to the point where no matter what I do it’s perceived as being selfish.

Well, yeah, it’s selfish of me to take the time I need to process, reset and recharge my ability to be around people when my preference is to be alone. My wife gets it, I think, so does my daughter as she’s showing a similar drive to want to be alone as well. I will always choose to be alone rather than be around people, especially if I don’t know most of the people around me. My energy is drained like an iPhone running Snapchat where my wife in the same situation is recharged quickly.

What doesn’t help is that my wife has no idea what I do despite explaining to her multiple times what I do. Due to the fact that I can’t be alone in a work environment, my Monday to Friday is a struggle week in and week out. The act of just driving home is often a minor respite for me so that I don’t walk in the front door with the stress from the day, but when it’s really busy like now, it’s near impossible. Knowing that I can’t be alone every night, I will be in the common area watching television most nights. Even that has started to become less effective because the house can’t stop making noise or doing things on the main floor because I’m watching television. What should be relaxing and brain clearing instead turns into one distraction after another to the point where everything becomes something I get angry over.

The only thing that has marginally worked is getting up early in the morning and going for a walk. Regardless of the day, I have been getting up early. One major negative to this is that if I don’t head to bed early the night before, I feel worse the next quicker if I’m getting up so early. My balance is completely messed up right now and I’m not sure how much longer I can go with it being like this. I know where this will end up if I’m unsuccessful finding a solution to this problem of being so busy. I’m out of ideas and open to suggestions.

Too good to be true?

It’s happened, a recruiter has finally placed a potential position in front of me that is too good to not invest some time exploring. The last thing I wanted to do was to start looking for a new job let alone think about switching companies and starting over again with a whole new corporate dynamic. In this case though, the job description, requirements, salary, benefits, and bonus package are, well, really good and my interest is overpowering my urge to stay put. Adding to all these goodies is, amazingly, this job is only 15 minutes from my home cutting my one-way daily commute in half… again.

The last few jobs I’ve taken and excelled with were essentially lateral moves. Jobs that had no more or less responsibility and didn’t advance my career all that much, but did provide other skills and knowledge that have led me to this current moment. This new position is a Director level position and would entail managing people again, something I said that I probably wasn’t going to ever do again. It isn’t that I was a bad manager, in fact, my directs in my previous position often would tell me how much they appreciated my style as a manager. Laid back, hands off, and appropriate blunt and aggressive when the situation required it. I also would lay on my own sword to protect them, deflect the negative comments, and allow them to use it as a lessons learned opportunity.

My problem though, is that my previous management experience, while over a year in length, was nothing close to what a Director is required to do or be in charge of. Stepping up would be an absolute necessity on my part and I truly am not sure if that kind of responsibility is in my wheelhouse or not. I know that I’m technically capable of doing the job, however, the personal side of the job is sort of shaky and up in the air. I’m having a fight in my own head over whether this job would be a good move for me or not, which is a conversation I have every time I start looking or contemplating a new position. I’m technically capable of being a manager of people as my personality is such that I’m rarely considered a friend to anyone at work, manager or not. My radar is always on while at work and I’m constantly observing and processing the environment around me. At Director level though, the game starts to change and I’ve yet to experience that game personally.

I’m scheduled to have a phone call with the head hunter this week, to talk about the prospect. This is the equivalent of the HR screening call where they review resume details, listen to how I speak of my past, what I’m looking for in a company, etc. I already know the salary is there and its much closer to home, but the discussion later will determine my next step. I just hope that I’ll be okay with all the next steps in 6 months to a year regardless of the resulting decision.