On a slow anger simmer

I had the last four days off and had hoped that Monday and Tuesday I would primarily be by myself. That didn’t happen and I’ve been on a consistent angry simmer for the last 48+ hours. Nothing I’ve done, or attempted to do, has gone according to any semblance of a plan I had ridiculously thought might have helped. Wanted to finally get all the taxes together and ready to mail, they’ve already been submitted electronically, just owe all around this year. Wanted to get some writing done for EPV, but my mental attitude didn’t lend itself to that either. Wanted to cut the lawn but couldn’t get the lawn mower started; think it needs a new carburetor. Needed to get the toilet guts swapped out as water is leaking into the bowl and making them run every so often; decided that would be a bad idea.

Rather than getting 5-6 hours of time to myself, to work at my own pace, I wasn’t alone except for a few hours on Monday but I was too far into the anger to have it be productive. The wife was supposed to be at her sister’s house until last night, but came home last Sunday instead because the accommodations there were hard to deal with. I get it, I wouldn’t want to stay somewhere that was cluttered and messy. Being forced to sleep on the sofa alone would have been enough for me to want to leave. The problem is that I’ve needed to get alone and work through some difficult issues and work up some plans that require focused thought to complete. My tolerance for the normal things that bother me is gone and I simmer all day on the edge of anger. At this point, short of a taking a day to myself outside of the house, I don’t think I’ll get past this overwhelming feeling.

Adding to the pressure is the fact we’re having a birthday dinner for my Mom this Saturday, at our house, with my brother in attendance. I’m off on Friday, but I already know that I won’t have any time to myself unless I just head out in the early morning and don’t come back until later in the day. That would most certainly cause more problems than it solves as I need to stay around and get the lawn taken care of. Dinner at our house means that we’re stuck with cleaning up after dinner. We’re also stuck with all the leftover food (we always have left over food) that ultimately will be lunches and dinners for the next few days into next week. I’m okay with the same thing the next day, but push it two or three then I’m just not hungry and won’t eat.

The wife is off this entire week and I already know that today and tomorrow nothing will get done. She’ll get sucked into working on something for the firehouse, doing something random that wasn’t planned, or just not have any motivation and do nothing. I’ll end up cleaning up the dishes, running the dishwasher and most likely doing the laundry. If it’s a tag team effort I don’t mind doing any of that, but when it’s me all the time because some time suck is occupying her time for days on end through the week, it quickly gets annoying. When I sit in my office or in front of the TV, I’m not just sitting there doing nothing. I’m inside my own head, thinking and processing, trying to work through anger so that I’m no longer angry. From the outside, it looks like I’m just being lazy further convincing me that her saying she understands doesn’t equal her actually understanding at all.

The next few weeks don’t tell me that I’ll have any opportunity for time to myself.

11 thoughts on “On a slow anger simmer

  1. Dude that sucks! There one good thing about my retirement is no children at home…wifey works and I have time to myself….I feel for you…I too have had those days…..getting old does have some benefits…LOL chuq

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  2. Seems wrong to “like” this post, but I get what you’re saying. How about carryout food for your Mom’s birthday dinner? A variety of places even, to make it a smorgasbord. Much easier than cooking and cleaning up after. One less thing to worry about. A thought.

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    • Unfortunately carry-out isn’t an option in this case. Thanks for the suggestion though. Home cooking is a staple of our family gatherings that I’d gladly give up tomorrow if I could.

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  3. Every individual needs an island for de-stressing. In my case it is the practice of shutting the door to my room for a period of time that sometimes is no more than 15 minutes per day — but it happens “Every” day and during my “Invisible” time everyone around me is instructed, “No interruptions … none!” During this 15-minute daily “Vacation” from the world, I can do whatever I want to do. I can nap, I can play putt putt golf on the carpet, I can read, meditate, sit naked in the dark, watch tv … anything I want to do … absolutely my own time .. with no interruptions .. for 15-30 minutes a day every day without fail … and I find this takes care of a lot of stress and anxiety that I would otherwise be subjected to. Been doing it for years now.

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  4. Hang in there. I just came out of a solid 3 weeks of zero time alone (normal telecommute days were interrupted with my mom in town, stomach bugs, and getting called in to work). I was a straight-up bitch. Those that count will understand.

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